I nearly died this week…
It wasn’t some accident, it wasn't a disease, it was my mind and my heartbreak.
My 26 year marriage is ending.
There, I said it.
I’m not heartbroken over losing the man-I lost him years ago. It was losing the familiar, the family unit, the security,the Christmases, NaNa and Papa...
Let me clear this up when I say I nearly died. I didn’t take the pills-I was going to. I had said my good nights and no one would have checked until morning. God intervened… “You’re not done here yet.” The words weren't audible, but they were real. “Call someone” I call-no answer-I’m back in the bathroom and the phone rings “Melissa?” My best friend since we were 14… The tears flowed, eventually the laughs ensued.
You see,the thoughts weren’t about being sad-don’t get me wrong, I am sad-I was tired. SO VERY TIRED. Tired of lies, tired of secrets, tired of trying to fix something that I didn’t break. I just wanted to sleep-FOREVER.
Had I not listened, my kids would have been burying their mom for no other reason than she was tired and sad. I wasn’t trying to be selfish, I was just exhausted. I felt as if I had nothing left to give. God is NOT done with me yet. I’ve been applying for jobs for months without any interest and this week, I’ve had two telephone interviews and one in-person tomorrow. He makes a way when there is no way. Not being able to support myself was/is a huge fear and He’s showing me that my marriage wasn’t supposed to be a means of surviving. I’ve been holding onto threads for far too long. He has revealed to me over and over that He has a plan and that this toxic marriage is not part of that plan.
This is all still very fresh and I know that there will be many ups and downs, but the only threads I’m clinging to now are the threads of Jesus’ garment.
He has a plan.